The flow and ebb of the people that surround us, the rise and fall of the people we need in our lives and who need us… relationships come and go quite a bit more frequently than we plan. For some, it is really hard to admit that they need another person. But for most, it is much harder for us to come to the conclusion that we don’t need that person anymore.
It seems so hurtful to have had a friendship with someone so significant in your life and then realize one day that you’ve simply grown apart, don’t share the same interests, and whatever need you filled in each others lives no longer exists. Adults don’t have friendship break-up language.
I’ve never been able to say to a friend of mine Hey, we’ve known each other for a long time and I have loved the experiences that we’ve shared but we now lead such different lives that it really doesn’t make sense for us to try this hard to stay this close so let’s just keep up on Facebook and thanks for the memories.
Or, Hey, I didn’t know that you were so homophobic and now that I’m in a same sex relationship this clearly isn’t going to work out and that’s OK. Take care.
Most people try to hang on for so long for the sake of shared history that the only way to end it is to have a drop down drag out fight about some nonsense that really doesn’t matter. I don’t do drop down drag out very well. Especially about nonsense. So at times I’ve just allowed myself to be the bad guy to allow this process to happen.
Sounds horrible right? It can be, and sometimes it hurts very much. But, we have to be okay letting people go. And we have to be able to do it without feeling guilty.
I have lamented previously that every person in your life has to earn the right to be there. That’s friendships, partnerships, and family. We have to earn the right to be in our friend’s, partner’s, and family’s lives as well. The people we choose to surround ourselves with should all be people who are value added to our lives in some way. They give just as much as they take. Whenever an incorrectable imbalance occurs, someone is bound to get hurt. Or at the very least frustrated, annoyed, and angry. And there is no friendship to be had in which one or both parties are forever annoyed.
I have only had to let my parents go this year. And I’ve found that all of the people currently surrounding me in my life have been pillars of strength and support to keep me moving forward. It has caused me to become closer to the rest of my family, who I adore. It has made me vulnerable in the face of my friendships. It has deepened my relationship with G’s family. And I’ve been shown the most tender care and love from G who is fiercely protective of me. They have all more than earned the right to be in my life. I hope that I am earning my keep as well.