Weekly Digest: Heavy Stuff

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Sunshine in a Vase

It’s the 6th day of the year and I feel like everyone I know is still too full of hope to be posting heavy stuff.

But here’s the thing, whether it’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life or the most fun holiday of the season or whatever there are simply events that are outside of your control.  So, I acknowledge that I need to take the time to just… feel.

I’m preparing myself for the loss of a dear friend, a woman who has been a huge supporter of me in my many transitions of life- from gym member to instructor, from single to married to divorced to partnered, from parented to parentless.  She’s one of those versatile friends who is older and wiser but not too much older (but still wiser) and has been not only a friend to me but also at times, a mother.

And I’m so very sad today and dreading the days ahead of today that she will soon be losing her battle against leiomyosarcoma.

I don’t traditionally deal with loss in the most healthy of ways.  This comes from a very shocking loss of a close friend when I was 21 and also from my upbringing where lack of emotion ruled and I was actually grateful for that numb feeling inside.  Nothingness beats negativity right?  Wrong.  Allowing nothingness can leave behind a lot of unresolved feelings that bring forth negativity into your present.  I’ve learned that lesson.  Hard.  It’s not a lesson you want to learn twice.  I also don’t believe in any kind of afterlife, heaven, reincarnation, etc.  When you’re gone you’re just gone.  So, I struggle also because I don’t have the comfort of rejoining the departed in spirit one day.

But armed with what I know, and a costco sized package of charmin extra soft (we don’t have tissues in this house), I’m going to feel this.  Grieve this.  Be a total mess.  But I’m also going to reflect on the good, remember the beauty, be grateful for what we had, and ultimately be thankful for her peace.

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