Weekly Digest: Daddy’s Girl

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I am a bonafide daddy’s girl.  Maybe I should say was.  But in my heart, I grew up as, and will always be a daddy’s girl.

Growing up, he was my biggest champion.  Always on my side.  Always carrying me in his arms or on his shoulders.  Pretty much until I was so tall that my feet were touching the floor.  My mom used to like to tell him to quit carrying me around like a baby because I was SEVEN.  It’s a wonder that I didn’t have physical developmental issues and can walk on my own and teach BodyAttack.  LOL.

Anytime I got in a fight with my mom or brother, he was the first to see my logic and would take my side.  And, in the event that I was wrong, he would explain it to me in a way I understood.  We had a language.  And it wasn’t all words, we had looks too.  And funny faces.  I could catch his eye from across the room and he would know exactly what I was telling him.  My guess is this is the closest thing twins have to twin language.

So when I express my agony in having severed ties with my parents, what I really mean is that while the loss of my mother is hard to understand, the loss of my father is gut wrenching.  I spend half of my emotional energy grieving in disappointment over his lack of compassion and complete disregard of what we shared for more than 30 years, and the other half trying to give him a pass for his behavior.  I like to make him the victim of my mother.  I like to think of my mother as the driver in all of their actions and thoughts.

But, as my therapist pointed out, and I can plainly see on my own when I’m not in denial, that unconditional love should come with a lot of conviction.  He was my defender all my life, and now, when I need him to be on my side the most, he can’t be.  That isn’t my mother’s fault.  She didn’t write me an email that ended with the words best wishes.

If he really felt that my life choices were my own and that he should just be happy because I am, he has a voice to say so.  And as long as he stays silent, our many shared languages will stay that way as well.

Stand up for your truths, no matter to whom you have to stand up against.  Daddys, stand up for your baby girls.  And always always always stand up for love.

BabyKim 1980

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