Life in General

Tuesday Confessional

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I don’t often write off the cuff.  For me to identify how I feel and be able to discuss it, verbally or in writing, usually takes me some time.  But I am getting better with practice, and it’s a curious thing that is helping me.  Timehop.

I resisted signing up because all of the re-posts and re-likes of things on social media can be a real bore to anyone other than the originator, and if my intention was not to share it, my preference would be to not be tempted to.  But, I reasoned that I could do it just for me.  One of my favorite things in the world is pictures because it’s so hard to remember all the details.

And I love the details.  The little things matter so much more to me than the big things.

Similarly, G and I started keeping a one-sentence journal since the day we got married.  One sentence – or a rambling of the goings on for the day – every day – for five years.  Our first five years of marriage, it will be.  What’s great is that each day is a page, and once we start writing on August 30, 2015, we’ll look back and see that August 30, 2014 it says…  We tied the knot!  Holding hands forevermore.  And every time we write, we will be reminded of what we wrote in past years.

So, Timehop is not different, except I have years and years worth of pictures and posts that it keeps track of for me.  And almost every day I tap in to see how absolutely adorable Levi was, or remember some great trip we took, or see a photo of some couch we were considering which we are totally glad we went with a different one.

But today, I saw a picture of my dad that was taken 2 years ago today.  He wasn’t with me, because even 2 years ago, we were not speaking.  But, he was with his granddaughter, Lilly.  And it’s so obvious how much he loves and adores her.  My dad smiles twice a year.

And I got really really sad.

OK, I cried.

So anyways, however much we love to look back at the highlight reel, and share all the great stuff with our friends on social media, there are hard days too.  Hopefully there are far fewer hard days than there are amazing days.  But, they’re there to remind us we are human and mortal and vulnerable.

I’m trying to be grateful.  Per Rule #5.

But just because it’s a rule doesn’t mean I can hold steadfast 100% of the time.  I’m not perfect.  My rule for gratitude is a desire and a practice, not an absolute.  So, right now, while I think about my dad and how he chose not to have me in his life, and — even more sadly — chose not to have his son and grandchildren in his life either, I’m having a really hard time feeling grateful.

Happy Father’s day to all the amazing dads out there – my wonderful brother included.  I’ll humbly recuse myself from a father’s day post this year.

Dad and Lilly

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Weekly Digest // Happy Mothers Day

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I spent the last two mother’s days being sad and kind of angry over the loss of my mother (who is still alive for those of you just joining in). Last year, I likened Mother’s Day for me to being single on Valentine’s Day. It’s so easy to feel sorry for yourself, isn’t it?

But, in an upcoming KayShay Code post, Rule #5 — spoiler alert – is on finding gratitude. I could write a book about that here, but I’ll save it for the manifesto. Instead, I will put my rule into practice by finding every way possible to love and be thankful for mothers everywhere. Because mother’s day is most certainly not solely about me and my mother, it’s about many other things that I can be grateful for and gain perspective by considering.

Happy Mother’s day to me (and G)! I am a mommy – to my dog Levi. And right now, since she is visiting for the weekend, I am being a mommy to my god-dog Lola as well. Indeed, being a dog mom is much easier than being the mom of a mini person – the complexities are far fewer. A walk per day, a fight to brush teeth a few times a week, a bath/haircut once a month, and a lot of couch cuddling is all I need to keep Levi happy and healthy. He is crate trained, so if I leave for work for the whole day he happily lounges without the need for babysitting. He loves me unconditionally, is always enthusiastic to see me, and never talks back. He never talks at all, actually, unless someone rings the doorbell. My introverted self likes the quiet.

Happy Mother’s day to all of my dear friends who are moms. You have the hardest job on the planet –birthing (or adopting!), nurturing, teaching, challenging, and shaping our future population. I can’t even wrap my head around such a thing, but I thank you for your service, your sacrifices, and wish you the best of luck.

Happy Mother’s day to all of the women in my life who care for me like a mother. I have been so fortunate to meet so many strong successful women who, honestly, help fill the void my own mother has left in my life. I have work moms, gym moms, friend’s moms, and a fantastic mother-in-law who all treat me like their own, offer to bring me soup when I’m sick, hug me when I’m feeling down, and give me great advice. I must have started throwing off some kind of sad-orphaned-girl scent a few years ago because the resurgence of mother figures in my life totally skyrocketed. I have never felt so loved in my life. Ever.

In light of these facts– that I am a mom, that I know so many amazing moms, and that I have so many wonderful moms… there is no room for sadness or anger over what was or should be. I can only see what is and could be, and I am filled with gratitude, love, and joy.